The Space you Left, the Love that Remained

Dedicated to my dearest friend, a beautiful person left so soon, for greater things than herself. An angel we got to know who walked the earth for a short time.

Now. This will be hard to read. Grief and loss, as I know, are hard to connect with. I find it hard to connect and accept reality sometimes. My tears shed for you have mostly been me alone in my car.

When something hurts too much, we shut it out.

There is a song that opens the door for me every time to connect with loss. I cry to this song almost immediately.

If you feel ready, it is not a comfortable song, but a song that reminds me of the love I feel for someone. ‘Black Dress’ by Kisschasy. It opens the door for me emotionally every time – maybe it will for you too.

I felt the need to write about this. I see the pain we carry. The walls we put up. The empty space we carry and a pause in our hearts as we briefly revisit a memory in our thoughts. This is me opening the door and holding you in that empty space we carry, in memory of them.

When you lose a friend, and you’re standing in a room of the usual group where they would always be. And suddenly, the room has lost its vibrance. Conversations are quieter. Losing the feeling of being present because you’ve become dissociated with everyone because – it’s just not the same anymore.

Are we aware of the web of connection? The people brought together connected by us.

The connection we have all built and the people we bring together. It’s a beautiful thing.

As time passes in their absence, how many people have felt the entire web of connection collapse with the wind?

How and when did it just fall away?

I look at the people around me that were all once connected. I see the denial and disorientation in all of us - each step forward heavy with guilt and grief.

The anger that fuels inside the pain of feeling guilty and unfair.

The thought of, ‘How dare I take another step without them.’

“I could have done more”.

In the quiet moments, we still drift here. To the unspoken words. Apologies. Gratitude. Questions that will never be answered.

Remember the smile she gave you when she looked at you?

Now, forget everything your mind throws at you right now.

Put her smile in your heart.

That is the truth.

That is who she is to you.

That is who you were to her.

And that is where she lives now.

The glimpses we get of all the memories we shared with them come with the weight of their absence. The heaviness we feel, and their silence - we can’t even talk to them.

We can’t reach out to them.

The role they filled in our lives is now empty. And the version of us that existed with them now sits alone, in that empty space - in silence.

The truth? There is no closure in the way we expect.

There is only the meaning we choose to carry forward.

The story we take over for her. That is our peace. That is her peace.

Laid in the hands of our own creation.

What can we build from the experience we shared with them?

How can we keep showing up in ways that express what we valued in them?

Shift the pain of loss – to presence in new form.

What did you love about her?

What has she taught you that you do differently now?

Our friendship was of us always being silly. To be our goofy selves. To find humor in everything. That your energy is magic to people around you when you can express who you truly are.

To still play and enjoy life.

The memory of you reminds me to keep living this way. You gifted many souls of this joy. Of this love.

Your values in life still exist within me. Always reminded through my actions – influenced by the memory you.

And in the way I move through the world now – you are still here. Living through many.