Difference Between Self Love and Self Protection

Weighing up self-love and self-protection gets very blurry for me at times.

While I want to be open and accept love. I know what I want and what I deserve. Yet, fear still catches up to me. I find myself back in self-protection mode. I remember all my hurt and what is at risk. I remember what it does to my nervous system, my motivation, my presence in my life and my connection with my kids.

In the past I felt a need to hide parts about myself because I haven’t been fully accepted or understood. I was insecure with myself. Other people’s opinions were hurtful and disheartening for my growth. And that is what I’m outgrowing.

Abandoning myself in the duty of being good to others or preferred a certain way, IS NOT having RESPECT AND CARE for myself or respect and care being RETURNED.

Choosing myself over a connection feels like a newfound power. With self-control, self-respect and honor. The fear isn’t so high anymore.

I pick up on fear so much more now. It’s like a friend tapping me on the shoulder saying; “remember what you don’t want to repeat anymore.”

I didn’t think I was controlled by fear in my life, I was, and in some ways I still am.

The fear of being hurt and the effect it has on me, my kids, my home life, my social life, my passions. It’s a lot.

What I’m Processing

I don’t want a connection that is conditioned by others, conditioned by expectation or conditioned by the past.

These days I’m more concerned about picking up that big sword I never thought I could yield and slay my inner critic straight through the fucking heart.

And my nervous system. Still figuring that one out.

I’m surrounded by triggers I can’t slay. Like my crazy kids and dog that has bad anxiety who yelps every 5 minutes of the day. Ha-ha!

I’m asking myself these days;

Can I hand over my heart without giving someone responsibility for it?

Can I love without over giving?

What it Taught Me

Believing that I can do things on my own rather than saying I don’t need anyone. This is where I am slightly adjusting my way of thinking and believing in myself.

Love should add to your stability, not take.

What I’m Practicing Now

The purpose of loving myself first means that I will never lose myself in anything or anyone else. This is a strength, a super power I can conquer. I hold the potential to gain that capacity.

My control and stability, through my own healthy boundaries.

Control should never be with fixing or correcting another person.

Control should only sit with - you.

I’m learning to understand my needs and trust my choices with discernment.

Fear and distrust will keep happening until I fully come home to myself. Yes! One invincible bitch here I come. My life lessons have been building my resilience. I can’t really look back negatively on my past now, can I?!

So, I ask myself; what am I protecting myself from? Set the boundaries - and choose me.