Torn Between Truth and Protection

I feel so torn between the promise to be so raw, yet I delete so much of my truth.

How many of us carry silent pain…silent truth, protecting other people’s feelings?

Or maybe it’s the comfort of our lifestyle or theirs?

Or is it a societal expectation that’s built walls around you that you may not understand enough if it was ok to step outside of those walls?

How strong you are. Whether that’s protecting others or speaking your truth.

I want to be somebody to have the emotional capacity to not judge people who do break their silence. Because I want to experience and learn enough to understand. Let me see through your eyes.

When I experience certain people and situations in my life that hurt me. I want to talk about them.

Firstly, for my own healing. Secondly, I want to show others my perspective and growth through it all to help other people who may share similar experiences and feelings.

I want to turn my pain into teaching. A strength…self-empowerment.

While I started writing, I wasn’t going to put names because I still love and care for others even if they hurt me. Whether that was on purpose or not. It was a little careless.

We deserve to feel lighthearted and forgiving. To find ways to turn the page that’s different and not the same image on every page. For pain – to be the seed I turn into something great.

I think about people who live trapped in their minds. Still suffering in pain due to this issue. Protecting others while they carry this pain alone. You don’t want to dismiss your pain as not important. Because it is. And your pain should never be measured against another.

The biggest thing I’ve learnt is being able to sit alone with my thoughts and feelings. If you are in negative headspace, I strongly recommend being with people you can trust to support you. But when you find some quiet and soft strength. Sit alone. Strip away from the outside world and learn to understand where you are, why you are hurting, who you want to be and where you want to go from here.

For me, I wanted to make it count. This pain…I don’t know if I could tell someone or impact anyone enough unless I were to walk the journey myself.

I want to be a woman who lived and believed in what she says. So, when I speak my words to someone, they hold weight. They have impact. I want my presence felt.

I had - a lot of anger. A lot of rage. But I don’t want to be her. I am not her. And it has taken me just over a year to finally start softening my edges.

What sometimes feels like a curse to me is also a gift and part of who I am. I feel like I see through every bad thing said to me, every bad thing done to me, I see the suffering and reasons in the other person. I make excuses for it all. And that may all be true.

But that doesn’t mean I should endure all that energy within.

For me, it feels like powerless anger and frustration stuck between speaking the truth or protecting them. I understand both sides. And I’m still balancing on my middle ground.

I look at it all now as lessons. What I can understand now. Being able to understand other people’s pain and discomfort and look at it in a way that will help be lighthearted, and helpful to others going through similar journeys. While also understanding that it’s not my place to control or guide outcomes.

Everybody has their own learning journey, and I am still learning how to detach myself from all of that energetically.

Reading personal growth books has helped clear up my mind fogs. Writing has taken all the bricks out of my chest.

My new perspective feels like a new power.

I am learning how to grow into the woman I want to be. I want to be a woman who steps with purpose and meaning. I want my life to reflect the kind of love that frees and strengthens. To move with discernment, growth and agape.

So, if anyone is carrying pain to protect or speak their truth, I respect you either way, but I hope people find a middle ground. Where you are not sacrificing your energy over what others have the capacity of, or you carrying the weight alone as though what you feel should be dismissed. You deserve to feel soft too.