The New Generation of Parenting

I was on holiday at the time. And there was a phrase used- “Kids are seen, not heard.”

I heard this from an older man. This phrase really sat with me. At first, I felt it was harsh.

But there he was, talking with other adults with a regulated nervous system and me looking like a cornered rat.

The perspective on parenting has changed over the years.

Back then it was about –

Raising obedient children.

Discipline and fear-based consequences.

Emotions weren’t the focus here. Resilience was.

Now we parent with –

Communication over punishment.

Being guides rather than authority figures.

Emotional intelligence.

Mental health.

Individuality and self-expression.

I like the way we parent these days. To an extent.

Because while the new ways are good and all – where’s the obedience?!

My 5-year-old debates and argues everything I ask him to do.

I am dysregulated and overstimulated.

I burnt my toast the other day…and I rinsed it under the tap.

This is what gentle parenting has done to my brain.

And honestly? That’s what constant availability can do to a nervous system. Our over-availability and lack of boundaries can dysregulate both parent and child.

We try so hard to manage the day, the house, the kids, the finances, the events.

Life to a single mum like me feels like one big laundry basket. And while trying to tick all these things off my list, I forget about me. My boundaries, my space. My sanity.

Boundaries create safety, not rejection. And rejection is how I used to always see it.

Sometimes, when I really need 5 minutes to breathe, just trying to hide in my bedroom, I felt guilty. At times I felt like I was pushing them away.

But I see the difference now.

The middle ground.

To teach them boundaries, individual needs and space.

I cannot be available to them all the time.

I want them to understand the difference that I am always there, but they can do more for themselves. And they can also understand the needs of others’ space and boundaries and that every person is different.

For example, I could never read around my kids. But if I can explain it differently to them, “this is mum’s calm space, and we leave people be in their calm space.” Maybe I’ll finally get my 5 minutes to regulate…maybe 10. I’m in the process of experimenting with this…as I smile with an expression of no certainty. But no. No doubt this year, I am determined to change.

I want to teach this to my children in a structured way.

I made a list of all the different things that made us different and filled our cups. Then I created a colour coded weekly planner making sure that all our cups are filled.

Maybe with this, I will finally feel like I can regulate myself better and be a better parent for them. To teach independence and emotional regulation without the need of seeking from others.

I am teaching them resilience and authenticity and loving and accepting themselves and their strengths, all while including myself in the mix.

I lose my feeling of stability at home, and I feel like this is due to lack of boundaries. We sometimes have needs and seek them in other ways rather than identifying and establishing clear boundaries.

Being a single mum and managing on survival mode, I was used to pushing through to make everything work, that I forgot about the boundaries that I need and deserve to have.

But my family needs a change. Something in between.

Where my kids feel heard. But also learn patience.

Where I am present… but not constantly available.

Because right now, I’m not just raising them – I’m modeling what it looks like to be overwhelmed. And it is the talk among a lot of us parents.

So now, I’m hoping I’m working on the middle ground here. To create a regulated and safe home – for all of us.