The Mother I Used to Be

'You shouldn't be a mum if you don’t want to spend time with them or raise them.'

'You shouldn't have a dog if you don’t walk them.'

I was my version of a great mum. 

I used to walk my dog regularly.

But I never expected to help my partner so much that I sacrificed my own needs.

I never expected to be a single mother of 2 kids, a dog and 2 cats.

I never expected my version I was as a great mum would suffer to now being the worst version of me there is.

Losing myself through Survival Mode

I kept it together. I stayed quiet when I needed to. I protected and supported my home and everyone in it. I worked hard.

I hit survival mode so hard I couldn’t laugh at little things as much. I couldn’t even cry when I knew how empty I felt.

I was having panic attacks. 

I was unhappy, and I was over giving. I didn’t feel seen or heard. And I felt so alone, even when people were there.

And when I finally broke free, everything unraveled. The tears finally came to the surface. The emotional outbursts that made me book in my first psych appointment. 

The raging fire inside of me - that screams 'I don't need your help!'.

Because a person who gives so much to wind up where they are now - disappointed and betrayed. 

They grow thick skin and they won't want to accept any help. And we know that we do need help. And if anyone ever wonders why someone may refuse asking or receiving help? It’s because they don’t want to put themselves in the position to be let down again.

If this is you, I know the feeling. 

I have grown so much after separation. And I am so proud of how far I've come. 

However, as much as I love my kids so dearly, the aftermath of such a shift is a weight on me that I still carry to this day. But there is no quit in me.

Even though, with all the rebuilding I have done for myself, what I struggle with the most is parenting my kids.

To be the mother I once was. To be the happy, carefree, fun loving and playful mother I once was. 

My kids are mostly with me, aswel as my 3 pets. I look after them, but my joy isn't present at home with them anymore. My desire to play with them is gone. I don’t find things they do as cute as I used to.

This doesn’t make me a bad mother.

But it certainly does suck that I was so excited for this part of my life. To raise my kids and have the most wonderful memories with my children. But life took an unexpected turn and while I am always with them, I don’t feel like I am soaking any of it in. When you are so overwhelmed and overstimulated, I disassociate a lot. I carry that sadness and guilt every day.

Disassociating once sounded bad, until I realised how much I wanted to disassociate and why. Because when it all felt too much, disassociating felt like the safest place to be.

And that breaks my heart that I have needed to do that to make sure I get up for them every day and give them most of my time and energy.

I feel as they say – ‘when a flamingo loses their pink’. 

I feel betrayed. Although I was the one who walked away from my marriage, I didn’t feel like my emotions and efforts were supported, rather compared to and dismissed.

I feel depleted. Knowing I gave my all to the relationship until I felt like I became someone I didn’t recognize anymore. I became very cold.

The Aftermath

There’s been a lot of growth in the person I am and my passions. But what was once a shared dream of a family - fell apart.

I'm still broken in some ways, carrying it all. I'm still holding everything in my cup that's cracked all through.

I've become emotionally fragile. As my connection with my children and animals is not the same as they once were, but a reminder of where I feel like I’m failing. 

I don't give up, but I'm lost in my priorities, my to-do lists, the household pile up every day, the kid’s emotional meltdowns every day. 

I’m that creepy robot that's working overtime with no fucking batteries.

How much does a single parent mask to build an environment for their kids that’s not always every other emotion they actually feel?

My kitchen is a mess a lot. By the time the kids are in bed after their evening moods, arguments and meltdowns. I do not have the energy to do my dishes at night. Some nights I curl up in my dining chair and zone out. I don't realise what I'm doing sometimes. I think it’s a shutdown mode.

It's like I’m still processing my emotions for the day. Feeling, thinking. Because my kids are so vocal and high energy, I can't even hold a thought or feeling without constant interruption. And I still feel like I have a lot to process and adapt to even after 2.5 years after separating.

I am with my kids more than anyone, all while still feeling like I’m missing out.

The mental and emotional weight I carry makes being present feel so difficult when my world inside is so overwhelming. I have moments where I wondered about the last time I sat down with them for breakfast. Because I use that time to tidy up or prepare school lunches. I wonder about the last time I sat with them to watch a movie, because I use that time to do the washing. I wonder about the time I last played with them, but I have so much to do that; to stop and play just sounds like increasing my anxiety on falling behind and never having the time to switch off to soak it all in.

I remember my psych last year gave me a piece of paper that had a list of things for me to do to find joy. To reconnect with myself and my kids.

First point I read was watching my kids play. Boy did that set off my anxiety.

Painting with my kids. Anxiety increased. I just laughed through a lot of the list thinking why do my kids make everything a big deal. I can’t deal – and I’m just laughing. What else can I do other than that? Haha.

I don't even want to go to sleep, because I am not emotionally ready to do it again tomorrow.

I need a good cry and some space. But we don't always get that being a parent. It's midnight and my nervous system hasn't had a moment to find some calm.

The Turn Around - using my experiences for a higher purpose.

This isn’t a poor me or cry for help. Because I am stronger now than I have ever been in my life. Even with the tears and the breakdowns. Because I know I get right back up.

This is for the ones going through it.

I write openly because I want others to feel that a safe place exists.

It’s nice to feel heard and understood. I believe we could all learn a lot from one another if we could listen to understand and not listen to react. To expand our heart and our mind a little more.

I have lived in spaces where I have had to learn to read the energy of the room or a person to know whether; what to say or do. And it’s not ok to live your life that way.

Live in a space where you are accepted and loved the way you deserve.