No Longer Following the Same Thread

Have you ever questioned – what it is you need to fill when looking for a relationship?

What is it about being in a relationship that you seek?

Is it companionship, hype in life, or maybe a sense of needing to belong?

Next question…do we truly love the person we are becoming?

Or is a relationship filling what you can't or won't fill?

It’s amazing what we learn about ourselves when we allow the time of day to think and feel about our feelings and choices in life.

Life can easily get so busy. And when it comes to a relationship…do you know what you’re looking for?

What I’m Processing

Is there something from my childhood that I am trying to unconsciously heal through a relationship?

A past love that made me feel like I wasn’t good enough or neglected and I long to feel seen to truly feel loved and appreciated. Is there doubt there? In the love I have for myself and who I am?

What brings us back to the same people? Comfort? Familiarity? An easier route to avoid the fear of change?

Are there underlying unmet needs that are influencing our needs or choices in relationships?

This is the climb to a higher calling within us. This is the inner work, and it’s required to grow.

What I’ve Learned

I’ve come to learn a lot about myself.

The second guessing, constantly subtly doubting myself in more ways than I, or others may notice. I’ve lived my life defined by fears and doubt.

I needed to be accepted and approved of as a good person in some ways.

That has weighed on me. Weighed on me enough to doubt my dreams, my ideas, my self-love and belief. Because I put all my efforts into my relationships and starved myself of my own passions and dreams.

It doesn’t matter what others think. Most won’t even understand the path you’ve walked because they haven’t experienced it themselves.

And I can say that I have certainly changed my perspectives over time and experience.

When your heart space is not in a safe space, it is difficult to connect, find joy and the drive to move towards your passion and dreams. Especially when the heart space that connects us to what we love doing for ourselves, is taken up by constantly working on a relationship. Possibly one where you feel you are always needing to shrink for, explain or fit in.

It puts a wall between myself and my calling to my purpose and joy in life.

Closing my heart space based off other people's opinions or judgement is not a cost I am willing to risk anymore.

Learning more about myself has opened my eyes to the possibilities of other people’s thoughts and feelings around me and what they must be experiencing.

Do we feel understood and supported in what we find joy in?

Is the relationship open to you being your most authentic self?

How much more can I grow if I truly feel valued and supported for who I am.

It’s not about avoiding or dodging the wrong person – it’s about identifying the thread that connects all your previous relationships.

I’ve been asking myself, what do I connect with? What do I get from it? Is this genuine love and an equal partnership?

Are we supporting each other grow?

The uncomfortable work required before entering another relationship in my opinion is; learn to sit alone instead of filling it with other quick fixes. Because if we don’t, we lose ourselves in outside influences and come back to wondering why we feel so terrible and question who we are again.

I’m always looking to understand people. And I can probably always find a side to empathies and excuse behaviours. Which sometimes involved sweeping my own feelings under the rug. It is good to understand, but it is good to maintain your boundaries and self-respect.

No matter the chemistry. Chemistry can feel amazing, but it can also suck you dry if you don’t stick to your boundaries.

Healing is uncomfortable and hard. And I’ve certainly turned to alcohol and partying to numb heartaches in the past. But I’m not up for prolonging cycles I can’t grow from anymore.

On a surface level, I am a loyal and committed person in a relationship.

But now? now I’ve learned to not disrespect myself in the process.

Acknowledging the point and taking accountability when it starts to negatively impact myself and who I’m becoming.

It’s not quitting. It’s me reclaiming my self-respect.

What I’m Practicing Now

I am learning that I don’t need to earn love.

To not keep giving and hoping for something in return.

That not every excuse should be at the cost of losing myself in the process.

Experiences have taught me the difference between someone who has things they want to work on about themselves, and the ones who are doing the work.

Not to say they never will. But how much of yourself will you be putting into them?

Helping them… waiting for them?

It doesn’t always mean you don’t love them or care for them.

Loving someone is believing in them by allowing them to experience firsthand. They will gain so much more value from learning that way, compared to chasing others to fix or cover up or distract them from their own feelings and traumas.

It’s not about meeting another wrong person; it’s about not carrying the thread to the next relationship.

It's about really looking at who I am, taking accountability and healing.

Facing old fears, old wounds, and old versions of myself that I don't want to carry with me in my new chapter.

It’s about becoming someone who no longer follows the same thread.

I see things differently to what I used to, and although there were a lot of hurt and hard times, I’m grateful to know this now.

I think about all my connections now; I am observing and looking to understand what each connection is. Learning from them and what and who people are to me and who I am to them.

I’m looking through a different lens now. Looking at each flower properly, and the soil they grow from. But not before caring for my own.