I Got Me

I don’t want to be disappointed anymore.

I found myself in a position of overwhelm. Managing 2 kids, 3 pets and a household on my own had me feeling so emotionally exhausted that I couldn’t recognize who I was past being a mother and divorce.

Life was moving too fast and I felt like I couldn’t take a deep enough breath. I couldn't feel my feet on the ground and lost my sense of security and joy in my life.

Well, with time and lessons, I am grateful for the mess.

Mess taught me so much I needed to learn about myself and my life.

I learned about my attachments and repeated cycles I had in my relationships.

I took too much on by myself. Why?

Because I felt giving was love. Until I lost myself in the process.

Why do people take on so much pressure and keeping saying; “I got this!”?

I gave people the time, the space and the position to mistreat me.

I lacked boundaries and self-respect. I didn’t know this at first until the heaviness got too much to bear, I finally cracked.

I stepped aside from the life I once knew and started to rebuild what I wanted my new chapter to look like.

I understand; why someone takes on more than they should have to.

You don’t want to be disappointed again. Whether that’s a romantic partner, family or friends. You don’t want to burden other people with your emotional needs that you can’t manage or ask for their time with helping you out now, in my case; as a single mum.

I’m not saying it’s good to do it alone. It really takes a village. But the part you take on yourself shouldn’t be the worry of others.

Your focus should be on expanding your emotional capacity, growth and belief in yourself.

Allow yourself to feel messy. To say the wrong thing. To be selfish. And build up your self-awareness to adapt to change when you are identifying why something is happening to you or why you feel a certain way.

Why do you feel unhappy?

Why do you feel alone?

Why do you feel lost with your life purpose or sense of self?

That is not a loss, that is an awareness. An opportunity to grow.

The one person that will have you for the rest of your life – is you.

The best thing you can learn is learning about you.

What expands your ideas?

What motivates you?

What calms your nervous system?

What triggers you?

Why does it trigger you?

So, what do you need to do about it?

I am learning not to yearn for or lean on my relationships so much, and to finding quiet strength in trusting myself. I am quietly studying the difference between where I want to stand with them and with myself.

I didn’t give myself the benefit of the doubt - that I could hold that space for myself.

This year I have been looking deeper into the value I gain from people in my life and what I give them in return. Respect for space and the value of time, love and support in return.

I am studying what I value in the people in my life and what value I give in return.

Most importantly, how I obtain my values and how I carry myself with them.

I know people will have different thoughts and feelings about my choices. But I am releasing that control over me. That is not in my control. And I feel so much lighter.

And I love it so much that I’m doing it anyway. I love how much I’ve learnt, how much more I love myself for doing this, and how much more I’m falling in love with my life.

I am loving it so much that the phrase of, “it’s all about the journey, not the destination”, finally feels good.

I used to force this phrase upon myself. And it didn’t feel good. But because I wasn’t supposed to settle there. I just needed to readjust my journey.

When the mess feels overbearing; rather than thinking; “why me?” think; “what is this teaching me?”

I turn inward a lot more and listen to my body, my nervous system, what my own experiences have taught me.

I don’t have to stay comfortable. I don’t have to live to expectations of others.

My path is unclear. My instinct now tells me where to move, so my path may be a little unpredictable right now, and that is fucking exhilarating.

I can keep close connections while holding space for myself.

To allow thoughts and feelings flow through me rather than letting them attach themselves to me, or me to them. I feel so blessed to start feeling a softer strength within me.

I believe in myself so much more, and I never realised how much capacity I had to do that for myself.

My life may look uncertain right now, but for the first time, uncertainty feels like freedom.