Dating as a Single Mum

The Chance to Meet Someone

As a single mum of two young children everywhere I go and think to myself, they must look at me and assume the father of my kids is at work or at home. Who approaches a mum? Honestly?

Let alone pushing my pram around with the fucking exorcist.

I don’t think I would approach a dad for the same reason. I’d be feeling like I’m trying to move onto someone else’s man.

Or if I approach a single man with no kids even, I think to myself; he must be thinking: “this unfaithful bitch I’m out of here.”

Honestly….is this not what we’re all thinking?

What I’m Processing

There is more involved when it comes to dating as a single parent. It isn’t just about attraction and chemistry anymore.

It’s about emotional maturity, consistency, and reliability.

What a Healthy Partnership Looks Like

It’s not about someone coming in and accepting my kids. It’s about being onboard with what I have built and want to keep on building for them.

How do I want to represent and role model what a healthy relationship is? What a home looks and feels like. What a safe environment is and feels like.

A single mum wants consistent effort and support, not saving. Being a single parent has already made us strong.

I have already saved myself and will keep adjusting to my needs.

There is also the factor of healing in a broken family. It is important to find someone who is patient and understanding through the healing of both single parent and children.

A good partner to me will stand beside me and remind me of their belief in me. They won’t take away my independence or feel like they must carry everything for me.

A single mother has often already had to learn how to survive in her masculine energy because she had no other choice.

She doesn’t want anyone to rescue her or carry all the weight. She wants the safety to soften, while still growing in her own independence.

A single mother isn’t looking for a parent replacement or financial support.

Because she’s already doing all the work and takes that responsibility, probably better than she believes at times.

She wants a person who listens and embraces her and her children’s individual needs and authenticity.  Someone who is emotionally safe and secure for everyone to independently grow.

I guess the one thing I am grateful for is learning through what hurt me, to remember; not to make the same mistake again.

Don’t settle with a person who doesn’t support you mentally, physically and emotionally.

You can have different interests and still respect each other’s pathways. I believe true love exists here.

The Internal Conflict

It’s not just about your mental and emotional stability anymore. It’s your kids’ mental and emotional stability aswel. So, whether the person you’re dating gets close or involved to your kids yet or not, the kids’ mental and emotional stability - is through their mother.

If she’s hurt, the environment feels uncomfortable and heavy. Emotions are unpredictable. Interactions lack presence. Before you know it, her household is affected and her and her kids are fighting to feel connection and safety.

The fear and risk of dating is the effect it has on her home. The chain reaction where more than one nervous system becomes dysregulated. This can take years to heal. And it’s filtered through memories between mother and child.

A single mother being ‘too much’, is her trying to love while trying to remain guarded to protect her young.

Opening my heart up again after separation and getting heartbroken has been difficult to manage. Trying to carry the pain while routine with school and outside activities - doesn’t stop.

No space to feel, to process, and no privacy to cry.

It is very hard to separate what I feel and have all my energy present and to be emotionally available for my kids.

But they say the first heartbreak brings out the lioness in us. It ignites the fire that burns away what we no longer tolerate.

Motherhood has taught me that time, energy and emotional capacity are precious.

Trying to date people after their own past relationships and experiences…everybody is rebuilding. People’s intentions aren’t always clear, because we are all still learning and still building.

People are re-evaluating their life’s purpose and values and now as a single mother, uncertainty is much heavier than it used to be.

We are carrying so much already that clarity and clear intentions isn’t a luxury anymore, it’s a form of respect for the women holding the fort together. And that’s been so difficult with the way dating is going. People are changing their beliefs and expectations.

I hope that people can date with clear and honest communication, consistency and intention. I hope people are given the chance to protect their energy.

Peace is more valuable than potential.

And truth is the builder of self-acceptance, emotional capacity and resilience.

Protect the energy but never hide the truth. Your truth is your reality.

I am learning to live more authentically while guiding my two children through change.

We’re breaking generational expectations and comfort zones all while learning new and healthier patterns in personal growth and relationships.

Love should never cost you your time, energy and joy.

I am reclaiming my voice, my worth, my power, while giving myself permission to love again.

What I’m Practicing Now

Discernment. I’ve realised how unfamiliar I am with this. I think that’s the survivor in me. To always overthink and overlook. The need to feel certain. Because certainty - is safe.

But being too cautious - is not peace.

Does it fit my life? My values?

Rather than thinking about how to put good effort in. I’m defining my purpose, my legacy. And not everyone is going to understand that. What’s important to me is not something I’m going to shrink because of who I date.

I’m practicing maintaining my Identity. Being a mother is a huge part of my life, but it is not my full identity. It won’t be what I do for a living either. I am a creative being felt by many, and differently by all.

My flex is me, not what I do. And I can be in my mid 30s finding out what that is all over again.

I’m practicing accepting the complexity that dating as a single mum is also about balancing my child’s needs and wellbeing without pretending those challenges don’t exist.

Receiving instead of over giving. Because I have paid a lot of my time and energy and learnt that love isn’t earnt through over giving.

Healing isn’t about becoming a version of me that no longer hurts or can get hurt.

It’s about trusting myself with healthier choices and respecting my own boundaries.

I don’t believe anyone should look at someone to complete their life. They should be looking for someone who can healthily join their life with a love that respects and understands each person’s values, responsibilities and purpose.

Dating has changed because I have changed. I don’t want to, 'fit’.

I want to be respected and understood as I am. I am not perfect. I am still learning new versions of me, built through experience.