Confessions of a Single Mum

I never planned on being a single mum, nor did I expect to feel kind of stuck in some way.

It is not my kids. Even though they trigger me all the time, I love them dearly.

It has been the journey.

The experiences that have built my nervous system to familiarize itself with outgrown patterns and habits.

I expect the morning before school meltdown. The afterschool meltdown. The shopping center meltdown. I am used to constantly bracing myself to deal with high emotional stress.

I once was a happy and nurturing mother.

Now I am distant and cold.

That has been the hardest part. The version of me I became that I never expected to feel so - disconnected.

I still smile.

But sometimes I wonder when I’ll feel the warmth behind it again.

Because while love exists, I’m still shedding the version of me that was built just to survive.

I take time away to reset. But I don’t always come back refreshed.

Or when I do come back, I face the same old triggers I took a break from, and I feel like I’m back to square one.

I’ll always love, protect and show up for my children.

But I never imagined there would be moments where it would feel like I would be the one they may need space from.

I break, I scream, I cry and say the wrong thing and emotionally react.

Even just time away from the kids my body just feels like it enters a shut down and rest period while I’m out trying to have fun with my friends.

I took on so much to the point I didn’t know how to let joy back in.

Like a ghost at a social gathering, I’m there but I’m not. Wondering if my heart will ease, and my breath not as shallow.

I remember a time, waking up early, tidying the house and setting up a hot chocolate by the window looking out to the neighborhood with my son.

Sitting with him doing crafts almost every day.

These memories remind me that I am a good and present mother. But sometimes, a good mother still bears weight difficult to maneuver.

These days, I barely remember the past week. I look at my kids now and wonder when they got so tall, when they started saying certain words and phrases.

I want to cuddle my kids on the couch, but they fidget so much, that without realizing it straight away; I’m holding my breath. I feel the need to get up and walk away so I can take a breath and calm my nerves.

Now that I am the main parent, I guess I also took on being the boring one (over exhausted), the mean one (the one who disciplines).

I love my children deeply. But love doesn’t take away the exhaustion I feel.

Gratefulness doesn’t erase loneliness.

I struggle to find joy in playing with my kids. And I do remember that I used to.

My nervous system adapted by reacting, because I did not have the mental or emotional capacity for at the time. I feel switched off around them, and I know this is because I am trying to manage more than just my emotions.

I carry the financial weight, I’m ‘on’ all the time, while running on burnout. Trying to build a sense of stability and ‘home’.

I do a lot while still feeling guilty that I’m not doing enough.

I acknowledge the truth to its core, because it is important to me to work on what is real and what I need to work on and heal.

While I am trying to be gentle with myself, I speak the hard truth because I want real change. For myself and my kids.

I also want to be honest, so others around me who relate won’t feel judgement if they spoke up too. I want people to feel like I have an open mind and an open heart.

I want to be someone who reminds people to be gentle on themselves for their experiences.

I can see how my struggles impact my children. But that’s something I’m committed to working through.

As the disconnection, lack of attention, sadness, anger and frustration runs through the rope connected to my children. I remind myself that there are lessons here.

And I hold myself accountable to guide them through it while I put my pieces back together.

Because I want to raise my kids as a person who shows them a positive perspective on life.

We can outgrow things that don’t fit anymore.

We can change who we want to be.

We can change our lives no matter how old we are.

We can start again and still live the life we want.

I want to live life in such a way that my children will always be hopeful. Because I never gave up in search of my own.